Saturday, March 29, 2008

Colonoscopy thing

You're older than dirt. At least that's what your kids tell you.
You can't remember what you had for breakfast most days.
The carpet and the rug are both a little threadbare and faded.
Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

Bottoms up, baby.
It's time to get thee in to thy friendly neighborhood colonoscopist.

Been there, done that.
I'm here to tell you, it's a piece of cake.
But don't take my word for it.

Cut and paste the address below into your browser and take a few minutes to read Dave Barry's thoughts on the subject of his colonoscopy.
He'll explain why he made the appointment and all....
......well, almost all the details of how it went.
No one has ever described it better.

Now, go read what one of my favorite humorists has to say.
And then come back, because Mr. Barry left out one tiny little detail......

Go on, now. Go read:

(Cut away to Jeopardy ticking clock song here......)

dee dee dee
dee. dee. dee.

While you were away reading, I Google'd the subject of Colonscopy and found the Internet to be a bottomless wealth of information. I realized that I am a little behind in my research on the subject. I assume most people my age are smarter than me about these things......
...butt .......maybe I am wrong.

Here's an interesting little factoid for you.

In a study at a well-respected university, physicians offered Ear Buds
to colonoscopy patients so that they could listen to music while
they underwent the procedure. The study did not detail the patients
tunes of choice, but it certainly begs the question, doesn't it?

Baby Got Back?
I've Got You Under My Skin?
Honky Tonk Badonkadonk?
I've Got Friends in Low Places?
Dancing in the Dark?
Cuts Like a Knife?

Ok, sorry.
I'll stop.

So anyway, you read Dave Barry's article in the Miami Herald and now you know that you have nothing to fear. The preparation is fairly miserable but you endure it in the privacy of your own home and certainly won't die from it. The colonoscopy procedure itself is just what he says:
a piece of cake.

There is just one itty bitty thing that Dave Barry forgot to mention.
It's not THAT big of a deal. But when you wake up and it's all over and you're lying there thinking to yourself, "wow, that was no big deal" you will, as your mind begins to clear, become aware that you are in a recovery room full of other patients and nurses.

As you listen, it becomes evident that the nurses are on a mission.
They are coaches, in a sense. Directors, perhaps is a better word.
And you have one more important job to do before they'll let you go home.

You have to join what I think of as the Post-Colonoscopy Chorus.
At first, it'll be weird. But it won't take long before you realize
you're just another voice in the chorus and you'll join right in like
you've all been friends for years.

"Come on, everybody!" your Nurse/Choral Director will say....

"One, two three...fart, everybody! No one goes home until they've passed all of that gas!"
And you will. You'll fart like nobody's business.
With gusto!!!

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